Be back on the 18th.

7/1/08

It’s the surefire sign that you are a no longer relevant celeb, and most likely hard-up for cash: no, not a book, though that’s a pretty solid indicator…a lawsuit. 

In our increasingly litigious society, I’m never surprised at the “my coffee was too hot” or “it didn’t say anywhere on that cape that I couldn’t fly once I put it on” legal motivations.  Are they annoying and frustrating?  Sure.  But they’re often wildly entertaining, as well.  So I was tickled pink to see this baby come across the wire:

Devo (yeah, the band) is taking the most widely recognized name in fast food to court over the use of what they believe to be their likeness in a Happy Meal toy.  Yep, that’s the picture above. 

I can definitely see the resemblance – the orange jumpsuit, the energy dome cap, the shades – but this grievance really gains momentum when you raise New Wave Nigel’s arm.  Take a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWc66KCqMCk

Per the band’s website, and per my own ears, it sounds an awful lot like “Dr. Detroit.”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-ngmOSi4Eo&feature=related

Dr. Detroit, by the way, not a terrible flick.  Well, it is a terrible flick, but it has a certain predictable ‘80’s charm.  It’s worth a rental.

Back to Devo.  They definitely have a case, and they’ll definitely win, and I definitely see their side (to a certain degree).  The energy dome is actually a copyrighted and trademarked entity - a bit of problem for McDonald's, and a solid legal leg for Devo to stand on. 

But here’s the deal: Devo…relax.  I mean, if I had a nickel for every time somebody usurped my likeness or sound, I’d be pretty darn near a nickel by now.

The true impetus behind the suit is purely juvenile.  Here’s bass player Gerald Casale: “They didn’t ask us anything.  Plus, we don’t like McDonald’s, and we don’t like American Idol, so we’re doubly offended.”    

Seriously?  C’mon.  You should thank your lucky stars that somebody at McDonald’s still remembers who the heck you guys are, and has deemed you worthy enough to toss into a Happy Meal!  Let’s be honest, you all ain’t exactly Disney right now.  Or better yet, be grateful that maybe a parent out there will say, “Hey that looks just like Devo,” and the word of mouth might spark an iTune download of “Working in the Coal Mine.”

6/25/08

Here’s the set-up:

• Slow Friday at the old traffic desk…no delays.
• 5:45 in the morning.

 The logical conclusion:

• Dance!

Take a peak at any one of these.  Better yet, take a peak at all of these.  It’s pure genious.  “Kudos” to Bob at Local 12 for birthing this brainchild.  “Job well done” to the suits at Local 12 who have allowed it to mature.

Somebody finally got it. 

While local news outlets across America labor to deliver “Live, Local, Latebreaking” coverage in an effort to prove themselves “A Friend You Can Count On,” these cats in Cinci actually deliver.

I’m amazed at the number of stations “Working For You” that haven’t a clue what you or I truly value as consumers of the news.  I’m not calling for the headlines brought to you by Barnum and Bailey, but an occasional departure from the serious wouldn’t hurt anybody.

The rest of their broadcast might suck.  I don’t know.  But Friday’s from 5:45 – 5:48am is brilliant.    

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=dance+party+friday&search_type=&aq=f

6/18/08

Who cares?  Let’s be honest, Tiger’s knee wasn’t the only thing to burst with his season ending declaration of a couple of hours ago.  So did the collective PGA balloon.

I’m not saying the British Open won’t produce spectacular golf.  I’m not saying we won’t witness a little bonus coverage.  I’m not saying I won’t watch.  I am saying that significant luster has been stripped from the Claret Jug.

“Step right up, step right up…David, sling by his side and stone in his pocket, attempts to fell the great Philistine warrior, Golia…what?  Injured?  Okay, okay, he’ll have to do.  David, sling by his side and stone in his pocket, attempts to fell a guy…the same size he is.”

That’s the abyss that Tiger has forged between himself and the rest of the field.

“Congrats on the win ________ (fill in the name of the golfer of your choosing), but…”

To believe our analysis of the ’08 champ will go otherwise is a noble, Utopian gesture, but c’mon.

No matter who wins, this will forever be “that one year that Tiger didn't play.” 

6/15/08

11:21pm

The NBA has a serious problem.  I’m not breaking any new ground with that declaration. 

We’ve all watched it.  We’ve all barked at the one-sided, home team lovin’ from the officials.  We’ve all seen that scenario play out right before our eyes with this post-season.  Tim Donaghy’s latest victim to float to the surface supplies us tangible, pointed evidence to support our cries of “foul.”  And here’s some more…

I enter into evidence exhibit B: the personal fouls breakdown for this year’s final:

• Game 1 (@ Boston): 35-28 Boston.
• Game 2 (@ Boston): 38-10 Boston.
• Game 3 (@ LA): 34-22 LA.

 Donaghy story leaked…

• Game 4 (@ LA): 29-28 LA.
• Game 5 (@ LA): 31-31.

 I don’t know how many rungs of the old corruption ladder we have to climb to find the ring leader.  Personally, I believe he rests comfortably atop the “this is not a step” plateau.  Be it he, David Stern, or be it a few crooked officials behind the most recent Donaghy bomb, the numbers from the Celtics-Lakers series speak to the fact that something was definitely up (as recently as last week)…and someone has definitely taken notice.

The spectacular irony lies in the fact that had the league fixed a Celtics victory tonight, it actually would have saved face.

6/11/08

You voted Sue Ellen our hottest interview.  How does she stack up against Maxim's hottest?  Vote on the Maino and Nick poll on our main page.

6/10/08

I guess old Roger exhausted his lifetime allotment of erections on Mindy McCreedy.  But he’s not the only one.  Wait!  I mean he’s not the only athlete who’s been dabbling in the little blue pill.  I don’t mean there’s a logjam of pro jocks waiting to get with Mindy McCreedy.  Maybe logjam is a poor choice of words here.  Whatever…you know what I mean. 

Apparently Viagra is on the training table of many a pro competitor.

Immediately, the analysis is effortless.  We’re all well versed in that particular side effect of PED use.  Truthfully, any professional athlete who struggles with ED ought to be investigated.  Peak physical condition + prime of life hardly = inability to perform.  However, there is a far more glaring motive to interrogate he who swallows the sexual wonder drug.

Per reports, among the off-label benefits of Viagra: it “delivers oxygen, nutrients, and performance enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently.”

Well looky what we have here!

Immediacy – pro sports in single word.  Bigger, better, stronger, faster, and all of it ASAP.

As fans, we’re pretty hypocritical in this regard.  We demand just-add-water success, then demonize those who use any means necessary to deliver it.

The cleansing of professional athletics is not as simple as banning substances X, Y, and Z, implementing new testing methods for X, Y, and Z, and instituting stiffer penalties for the use of X, Y, and Z.  It requires a re-education of the fan. 

Unfortunately, we can’t just break out one of those “Men In Black” light stick deals to wipe away all that we have come to know of the games we’ve grown to love.  This is gonna take a while.  

Sadly, no matter how forcefully and frequently we scrub, we’ll never achieve a spotless shine.   

6/6/08

I’m with you sportsmanship committee of the WIAA: fans in attendance of indoor high school sporting events have gotten completely out of control!  Booing calls – waving arms – chanting blatantly pointed speech such as “over-rated” and “air-ball” – and the worst offense of all, artistically publishing their school spirit across their bare chests.

Who do these kids think they are?  We may have wolves here in Wisconsin, but we certainly were not raised by them.

In an effort to remedy the present, inhumane state of the indoor high school athletic scene, I propose the following: closed circuit preps - multiple cameras funned through a single master mixing board, broadcasted over closed circuit television to the respective “preps channel” of each participating school’s affiliation.

That’s right, we’re completely eliminating the live fan component from indoor high school competition…in the interest of the student-athletes, of course.  After all, that’s who we here at the WIAA are looking out for.

With closed circuit preps, the athletes can be athletes, the coaches can coach, and the officials can officiate in a vacuum, free from the watchful and sometimes critical eye of the public.  And of course, free from school spirit - especially that displayed in the form of body paint - that can create a divisive environment for competition, scratch that, participation (competition suggests superiority, and here in Wisconsin our student-athletes are all winners).

By developing closed circuit preps, we will preserve the fragile, adolescent psyches of our student-athletes, and shelter them further from the real world.  Why rush their development?  I mean, they’re just kids.    

So you keep on justifying your existence with more gratuitous regulation, sportsmanship committee of the WIAA, and I’ll keep cheering you on…quietly and mostly to myself, of course.